Bruce Campbell Doesn't Use Pickup Lines. He Simply Says, 'Now.'
In which ElleVee:
- Laughs at everyone, ever.
- Went to school with every art school stereotype, ever.
- Doesn't see the problem with driving a bathtub.
- Laughs at the pain of children.
- Plans on stealing from libraries, for America.
- Looks forward to a world inhabited by future space vampires.
- Envisions a wonderful life with Russell Brand.
- Has no more panic left to waste on shitty stores.
- Celebrates America, with these fine American fellows:
* Alan Tudyk
* Hunter S. Thompson
* Robert Downey, Jr.
* Jackie Earle Haley
* Zachary Quinto
* Bruce Campbell
- Cannot imagine a world without Sarah Palin and her crazy.
- New Blog Entry: Bruce Campbell Is The Reason Why Waldo Is Hiding.
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![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif)
elle_vee- July 2nd, 2009
Bruce Campbell Is The Reason Why Waldo Is Hiding.
In which ElleVee:
- Cheerfully predicts Bruce Campbell enacting bloody retribution.
- Fails to imagine anything more perfect than Sylar and a kitty.
- Doesn't get why werewolves always look slimy in bad werewolf movies.
- Throws up in her mind over Star Trek porn. BAD Star Trek porn.
- Asks many pertinent questions about Torchwood.
- Hates CNN and their bullshit slogans.
- Automatically likes anyone who makes Bill O'Reilly drool on himself.
- Will get over her fear of falling from a great height just to go to the new observation deck on the Sear's Tower.
- Is perfectly willing to be a bride of convenience, for Nintendo Shoes.
- Would appreciate it if the right-wing hateful lunatics stopped killing people.
- Thinks Terry Gilliam needs a hug.
- Wants ALL the Harry Potter stuff, and YOU can't have any.
- Kindly suggests that if you buy someone the Pink Ouija board, you can fuck right off.
- Still misses Christopher Eccleston as the Doctor. Even if she does love David Tennant. TEAM NINE.
- Answers a troubling question about the gaseous emissions of birds.
- New Blog Entry: Hey What Kinda Party Is This? There's No Booze & Only 1 Hooker.
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- elle_vee
- July 1st, 2009
Hey What Kinda Party Is This? There's No Booze & Only 1 Hooker.
In which ElleVee:
- Will one day open a daycare based on the teachings of Bender from Futurama.
- Believes in your First Amendment right to be a complete asshole, but humbly suggests that first you figure out how to use your Email.
- Would pay serious money to watch Sarah Palin & Barack Obama in a foot-race.
- Wishes her mayor would wander around naked & drunk.
- Doesn't want to stick a tiny dog in her head.
- Understands that if you panic in crisis situations, you might need a tattoo to remind yourself of how to react.
- Laughs at the laughing apes.
- No longer finds Michael Bay and his bullshit shenanigans amusing, OK?
- Needs you to buy this dress for her, & if you don't, you hate America.
- Likes the idea of little adorable children singing songs she enjoys.
- Posts ANOTHER link to the International Society of Supervillains, & promises she is not getting paid for this advertising.
- Explains the horrors that will be visited upon you if you do not vote for Watchmen.
- Would like to meet the person who would let Bruno fix their TV.
- Is sad for the rat tattoo of rape.
- Proves that Obama is a bad president because of what's in his tummy.
- Kind of farts out on the Comics section.
- Finds a really creepy pool hall.
- Offers a clever way to catch yourself a sexy vampire.
- Likes when cool stuff joins forces with other cool stuff, especially when it involves Dave Eggers & Spike Jonze & Where The Wild Things Are.
- New Blog Entry: Some People Juggle Geese!
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- elle_vee
- July 1st, 2009
- New Blog Entry: Okay. I'm Lost I'm Angry & Um I'm Armed.
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- elle_vee
- July 1st, 2009
Okay. I'm Lost I'm Angry & Um I'm Armed.
In which ElleVee:
- Has a very long-winded excuse for being lazy.
- Secretly wishes there was Watchmen makeup.
- Fears the power of Rush Limbaugh's crazy.
- Admires Dr. Tiller.
- Stresses the importance of proper grammar.
- Refuses to get over her fear of flying.
- Ends up sort of endorsing child abuse, but just the funny kind.
- Needs a sword to fight zombies.
- Sincerely thanks the universe for Robert Downey, Jr. and his arms.
- New Blog Entry: I'm Not Sure That One Made It Down The Mountain Gob.
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- elle_vee
- June 25th, 2009
I'm Not Sure That One Made It Down The Mountain Gob.
In which ElleVee:
- Would join a religion fronted by Gob.
- Will not be supping at The Hut.
- Would rather be loved by Harlan Ellison than win countless awards.
- Thinks Quentin Tarantino may be losing his Magic Trailer Touch.
- Probably is terribly wrong about the end of the world being like 28 Days Later...
- Wishes Dita Von Teese would just smirk Beyonce into oblivion.
- Posts to an article about Lady Gaga's 'Paparazzi' video, and makes another pantsless joke.
- Thinks our future Car Overlords will be cute.
- Explains, very calmly, why she has to utterly isolated when Watchmen comes out on DVD.
- Kind of thinks a Shipoopi tattoo is amusing.
- Tries to explain her weird love for mayonnaise, but comes off kind of sinister.
- Lists her True Blood loves.
- Needs Fables to be in novel form, YESTERDAY.
- Wants faucet fail.
- Desperately needs someone to explain why Zachary Quinto is falling down screaming while being tailed by a man dressed as steak.
- Wonders if Susan Orlean really GETS Twitter.
- Thinks Patrick Wilson is an angel of mercy sent down from heaven to bring us peace in chaotic times with his dulcet tones and smackable heinie.
- Liked Star Trek back when it was a SHAMEFUL love.
- Makes a cane joke about House.
- Wishes Jon Stewart ran The New York Times for so many reasons.
- Loves Mark Sandford and his BATSHIT.
- New Blog Entry: They Were Little Geisha Dolls With Big Heads That Wobbled!
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- elle_vee
- June 23rd, 2009
They Were Little Geisha Dolls With Big Heads That Wobbled!
In which ElleVee:
- Wishes she was as bad-ass as Inara.
- Appreciates Wikipedia.
- Admires anyone who combines hot tubs, alcohol, and pointless violence.
- Wishes Meryl Streep and Joss Whedon would join forces to save the world.
- Already has Child Protection Services watching out for her future children, due to her conviction that they will play with Rorschach ponies and sleep in Klingon cribs.
- Never trusted Doug Funnie.
- Wonders what qualifications you actually NEED to work for Fox News.
- Despises the internet for inflicting knowledge of Megan Fox's freak thumbs upon her mind.
- Will have the most awesome kitchen accessories in the world, one day.
- Shamelessly posts a naked picture of Hugh Laurie.
- Shouldn't read political posts in the morning, because they drive her to drink.
- Needs to stop reading horror stories about plane incidents.
- Would not date someone who owned penis workout equipment, but would MARRY the man who followed the Tenacious D philosophy of Cock Push-Ups.
- Has dibs on Woody Harrelson for her Zombie Fighting Team of Win.
- Will always have a soft spot for koalas, in honor of Mitch Hedberg, who was too cool for this world, and died in New Jersey, which makes her feel GUILTY, even though she was living in New York at the time.
- New Blog Entry: Mom After All These Years God’s Not Going To Take A Call From You.
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- elle_vee
- June 20th, 2009
Mom After All These Years God’s Not Going To Take A Call From You.
In which ElleVee:
- Continues to wait patiently for Arrested Development: The Movie.
- Will be shocked if Will Ferrell ISN'T cast as Waldo in the abomination of Where's Waldo?.
- Learned today that her reproductive organs prevent her from liking anything cool or fun, and wishes Fiona from Burn Notice would teach the makers of these books a lesson, with VIOLENCE.
- Is marrying someone who she has never met because he somersaulted out of an airplane.
- Is very proud of herself for calmly negating the idea of a Teen Wolf remake, instead of screaming obscenities about dogfucking imbeciles who wouldn't know a good film from an infected rectal wart, because she is a lady of fine breeding and demure manners.
- Is also marrying Zachary Quinto, for more reasons than mere somersaulting, but mainly because she wants a Star Trek wedding cake and if she's marrying him it will seem cute instead of alarming and uncomfortable.
- Wants V to deserve all the love she wants to give it.
- Thinks that Sean Hannity is in love with Sarah Palin, and that their child would be called Damien, and it would be Year One (anyone who gets the reference gets an internet cookie).
- Thinks she deserves sexy minions.
- Would be amazed if Bill O'Reilly could go a whole day WITHOUT lying and destroying her already non-existent faith in humanity.
- Is willing to have her bra explode, for Russell Brand.
- Is pretty sure that cute zombies violate some primal law of nature.
- Wants a baby zombie panda.
- Loves Christopher Eccleston, but desperately wants to get him a new agent who isn't made of Suck.
- Does not lose her mind over the idea of a tarantula in her underwear, although she COULD.
- Understands what you're all saying, and STILL finds the idea of the pilot dying mid-flight to be the scariest shit ever.
- New Blog Entry: It's Toe-Tappingly Tragic!
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- elle_vee
- June 20th, 2009
It's Toe-Tappingly Tragic!
In which ElleVee:
- Apologizes for being so cranky.
- Thinks there is a law against remaking Hitchcock.
- Wants a Star Trek communicator.
- Thinks that reality TV show go away forever and stop bothering her.
- Has a theory that The New York Times is made of fail.
- Tries to point out the inherent flaws of buying something to support DIY.
- Posts nekkid pictures of Bruno.
- Laughs at abortion protestors, which is just ASKING for trouble.
- Won't it be humiliating when all of us are killed by BACTERIA?
- Believes with all her heart that her father would make a booger ball.
- Thinks there is entirely too much fuss over peanut butter.
- Wants zombie mania to infect her.
- Knows that all moose are named 'Walter.'
- New Blog Entry: Bruce Campbell Puts The 'Laughter' In 'Manslaughter.'
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- elle_vee
- June 16th, 2009
Bruce Campbell Puts The 'Laughter' In 'Manslaughter.'
In which ElleVee:
- Knows enough to never question Bruce Campbell.
- Spends far too much time yelling at CNN.
- Is amazed by Twitter's coverage of the Iranian election.
- Would rather not have mangled people on top of her wedding cake.
- Just doesn't care to pay for Hulu.
- Will link to virtually anything Cory Doctorow deems interesting.
- Plans a barbecuing ORGY this summer.
- Doubts she could make Bill O'Reilly look any worse than he already does.
- Lets the people who were helped by Dr. Tiller speak for themselves.
- Is much more upset about losing her Marlboro Lights than she lets on.
- Is on Team Sam: But If Bill Is Available I'm Sure We Could Work Out An Alternating Schedule, in the True Blood fandom.
- Has found Paris Hilton's vibrator from Repo! The Genetic Opera.
- Now has Real Science to back her up when she gets drunk and starts lecturing on the zombies.
- Ruins caterpillars and butterflies for everyone.
- Really did like The Web Planet episode of Doctor Who.
- Holds a grudge.
- Confuses Rimmel with Max Factor, dislikes Kate Moss, and really just wants to buy a lot more makeup.
- New Blog Entry: One Of You Is Gonna Fall & Die & I'm Not Cleaning It Up!
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- elle_vee
- June 14th, 2009
One Of You Is Gonna Fall & Die & I'm Not Cleaning It Up!
In which ElleVee:
- Formulates most of her opinions based on Firefly.
- Has uncanny recall for movie trailers from the nineties.
- Thinks that there is no crime so great as mowing a public lawn.
- Defends the honor and legacy of Don Knotts, because he was Don Knotts.
- Would never, EVER fuck with J.D. Salinger.
- Wants a Star Trek corset, and DAMN the consequences.
- Still can't decide if she liked Repo! The Genetic Opera because she was drunk and couldn't focus on much beside The Graverobber's Voice and Paris Hilton, which caused her to repeatedly Tweet, 'OMG Paris Hilton!' because she could not remember that she was in the movie.
- Continues mourning over Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles.
- Hates the NY Post.
- Can find better ways to burn calories than twitching.
- Adores crazy ol' Pat Buchanan.
- Cannot believe her species will be eliminated by giant jellyfish.
- Has many ideas surrounding glow-in-the-dark condoms.
- Will make you zombie jelly, if you buy her this mold.
- Wants all furniture to eat itself.
- New Blog Entry: Bruce Campbell Once Won A Game Of Connect Four In 3 Moves.
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- elle_vee
- June 10th, 2009
Bruce Campbell Once Won A Game Of Connect Four In 3 Moves.
In which ElleVee:
- Loves books and bookcases and will probably buy an abacus soon.
- Has a fangirl orgasm over Barack Obama meeting Zachary Quinto.
- Is very disappointed with Ridley Scott.
- Has hope for the return of Reaper.
- Cannot begin to verbalize her issues with the 'journalism' of Sean Hannity.
- Doesn't understand why you people can't tell when she's NOT being sarcastic.
- Is relieved that G. Gordon Liddy is becoming even more batshit insane, and that life is as it should be.
- Can't figure out why more people don't find Hunter S. Thompson to be bangin' hot.
- Figures that if we're all going to die in about a hundred years, we might as well have serious 100-year party in Jersey.
- New Blog Entry: I Got Stabbed! Right Here!
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- elle_vee
- June 3rd, 2009
- New Blog Entry: If You Gave Alan Moore A Typewriter & 0.001th Of A Second...
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- elle_vee
- May 23rd, 2009
If You Gave Alan Moore A Typewriter & 0.001th Of A Second He Could Write The Complete Works Of Shakespeare.
In which ElleVee:
- Nobly promises to blog all weekend, per usual, for America.
- Hates that she knows what a 'poop sock is.' HATES IT.
- Cries, not for the first time, over giant crabs of DEATH.
- Would love to try to eat free for a year, and write a book about it and become super-famous, but can't because she does not live in England. This makes sense to her.
- Finds a correlation between high school would-be punks and desperate old women.
- Was always afraid of PeeWee Herman.
- Loves coffee more than she really should, for her sanity, but will not drink coffee from poo beans.
- Will pretty much endorse anything Cory Doctorow likes.
- Wants the not-shoes.
- Is equally disturbed by the Bedazzled aspect of beef jerky undies as she is by the beef jerky undies themselves.
- Loves Jackie Earle Haley, and his upcoming TV show, and his STACHE.
- Wishes she had known about the movie-pee site years ago.
- Is angry with David Tennant for leaving her for Masterpiece Theater, unless of course it's Doctor Who's Masterpiece Theater of Sex. That's different.
- Uses all the power of sarcasm she has against the state of Texas, and whoever thought giving weapons to college kids qualified as a Good Life Choice.
